Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
