I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
