Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
