I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
