I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
