I'm eating all of the evidence.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
