I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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