Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
