I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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