What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
