Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
