I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just invented taco cereal.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize