I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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