I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
