Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
