ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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