Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
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