Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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