The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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