Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
