my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
