Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
