so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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