I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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