I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
