The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
