I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
