Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
