you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
