Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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