I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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