Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
