I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
