Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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