I want to walk on stilts...naked
barbara walters just said penis...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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