My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
