a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
