you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
