At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
