Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
