Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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