Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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