he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He did a backflip because drugs
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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