I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
