I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
