Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
