Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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