Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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