i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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