I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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