What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
