I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize