Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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