HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
