Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
