i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
