Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
