I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
