I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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